Coffee, with a side of heavy sighs for brunch

I read 3 articles, all on Huffington Post’s site, and I feel like humans aren’t shit. (Shout out to the dramatics.) No. People in general are ok. I don’t know if I can say whole-heartedly that society has gone to shit. History only tells me that learning from your mistakes is a lesson everybody doesn’t fuck with. The 1st article was written by a Japanese woman who survived the bombing of Hiroshima. Her descriptions of being a child, seeing her classmates die slowly, seeing neighbors suffer should bother anyone with a conscience. SHOULD. I have a loose understanding of what having a conscience entails. I feel like standard definitions of words don’t totally encompass what they mean(etymology time?) That’s just me and my ever-present doubting of what’s real. Maybe some people don’t develop a conscience, maybe something drives it out of them. I don’t know. But in the story, she speaks on her backing global nuclear disarmament. I would take it many steps further and hope to live in a world where weapons of any type will no longer be , or at least feel necessary. But my head isn’t that far in the clouds so I know that will never happen in my lifetime. (Shout out to defeatism, the cancer of progress.) The price of human ingenuity or the cost of lack-of-compassion? Or both. The 2nd story was a report on surveys/polls taken in regards to the unfair treatment of blacks in Amerikkka, following the birth of the Black Lives Matter movement. A group of people say they aren’t being treated as equals, the past shows proof of that claim and an entire nation continues to expand its empire based off of that mistreatment, yet we still need polls to see how the collective feels. It’s maddening. Levels of madness. I don’t 100% buy into the numbers that these surveys offer, but for the sake of this entry I will quote a particular portion that made me want to bash my face on the desk.

In 2014, only 39 percent of whites said more needed to be done. In 2015, that number jumped to 53 percent. For blacks, the numbers increased from 79 percent to 86 percent, and for Hispanics, 54 percent to 70 percent.

For blacks, the numbers increased from 79 percent to 86 percent Why isn’t it 100%? Where is the black man/woman who looks at black communities across the nation and says “nah, we’re good”? I want to listen to them talk about EVERYTHING. Speaking for myself, sometimes the people who know the least are just as interesting as the people who know the most. Admittedly, I don’t know of every disenfranchised/oppressed/stepped-upon group of people around the globe, but every cry for help should be acknowledged. The 3rd article was about an AAU team that was disqualified from a tournament — in which they were undefeated — because their was a girl on the roster. I don’t have anything insightful to say about that other than fuck adults. It’s unfair to punish a team of kids for this but it’s a deeper issue regarding how this girl will view herself as she progresses through life.

maybe our society’s suppose to drown/ middle finger up on the Titanic as it’s going down – El-Producto

I Drank a Bottle of Primal Roots

I’m currently in that phase where I’ve had enough to drink to think I know it all but not enough to know for sure that I know it all so I’ll just talk non-sense until I’m stopped or someone stops me. The universe will most likely stop me. That’s how it normally goes. My mother turned 67 on Thursday. That’s old; from a human’s perspective. I don’t have the ability to communicate with trees(yet), so people are the closest thing I have to get to the not so recent past. Her stories are sort of cool to me now. Random thought leading into what I signed on to talk about. I don’t even know what the hell I was going to talk about. My phone died a few days ago and I haven’t been keeping up with anything that I would normally keep up with using my cellular device — which is EVERYTHING. I feel bad that I’ve missed the creation of a new hash tagged name. And that’s fucked up because the creation of said hash tagged name should be the real issue. Right? Right. This will be the 3rd time I’ve posted this quote on the internet but whatever: ..speaking of healing without speaking of love will always evade the truth. I read that and instantly thought of the various public figures on their “campaign trail” saying the police and the public have to start working together to build trust and blah blah blah. After reading that quote, I now (even more) say those here ye’, here ye’ calls for peace are bullshit. Telling the person who is constantly getting beat up to see the bully’s side of things is insulting. FUCK YOU to anyone that whole-heartedly supports a system that backs government sanctioned murders.

Stay Busy. Stay Black.

I think I’ve made an unconscious decision to keep myself just occupied enough to be aware of the ills of the world but not to get completely swallowed up by them.

I’m learning to be more deliberate with my opinions but also not allowing them to be the only thing I offer to the world.

Rest easy, Sandra Bland. Fuck 12 forever.

Currently:

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It’s funny how I see more straight when I’m bent

That was a bar I heard a few years ago, and I almost immediately subscribed to it. It fit at the time because rarely was I not medicated. I constantly felt like I was stumbling upon concepts that were new to me. But, for better or worse, things have changed. My usage has lessened. My lessons have shifted. Most people seem to express the notion that their most profound “aha” moments come when under the influence. I’m finding that mine come during my post-binge moment of clarity. High philosophies are fun to explore, and can lead to positive changes in one’s life. No doubt. Lately, I’m discovering that most of the (educational) moments of self-reflection come a day or so after I’ve run out of drugs. Maybe I’ve had time to process whatever ideas the universe has sent my way(or that I passed through). Maybe things buried by day-to-day actions come to the surface. I don’t know.

Thoughts between coffee & whatever I’m going to eat for lunch

Shout to being busy with doing things you enjoy doing. A weird sort of progressive therapy or something.

Both my parents have recently commented, like within the last 2 months, on how they could have done better jobs raising me. Coincidentally, I’ve been making up for wasted time as a lazy teen by studying more and taking advantage of my talents.

I haven’t read up on the FIFA scandal but I have a very general idea about what is going on. I’m not surprised by any slimy-ness. Professional sports are built upon the buying and selling of human bodies and talents. Really, it’s inherently immoral.

I haven’t posted up in the streets of foreign countries enough. I wish cared about documenting my travels, when I was traveling more.

I’m cheating on Baltimore w/ NYC this spring. Now to add L.A. to the chain.

Today’s weather forecast: corduroy shorts.

I wonder if there are any white people who support black owned and operated businesses exclusively.

Current necessities: veggie/fruit smoothie truck, pumpkin colored low-cut wallies, super lemon haze

Things I Could Have Put In a Series of Tweets

written over the course of a few weeks

I love rap music but artists talk about women in a way that make them seem like the finest piece of gold that’s easily disposable. I’m constantly scratching my chin at that shit. It’s like resentment for admiring women so much or something.

If you’re unfamiliar with society6, it’s a middle-man website for artists (painters, illustrators, graphic designers, etc) to get their art to the people without going in the red to do so. Meaning, you don’t have to pay for the production cost of getting posters/shirts/whatever printed. I feel like they are getting over on me though. Someone pays 15 bucks for a print, I get $2. I need to re-evaluate some shit.

My god-mother gave me a flask for Christmas. I feel like it’s a gag gift, considering she’s super holy. She’s one of those “leave it up to God” folk, which is cool as long as you don’t force it down my throat. She’s could’ve gotten me (a) fish (dinner) and bread…

We are spiritual beings, with the ability to imagine infinite things, stuck in physical vehicles, with extreme limitations. That’s grounds for constant internal unrest. There should be WAAAAAY more unstable people in society than there are. Maybe we are all just lying to ourselves about being “okay” or anything beyond that.

Danny Brown needs more props for his ability to verbally paint a picture. See “Wonderbread”, “Clean Up”. I think a lot of people can’t get pass the character.

I enjoy driving. I dislike destinations and time constraints. And people who drive under 35 mph. GET IN THE RIGHT HAND LANE PLEASE MA’AM/SIR.

I’m watching a Young Turks youtube clip, where 2 anchors critique a NYT interview with Jaden and Willow Smith. The anchors are basically saying that the responses from the brother and sister are arrogant in a child-like way (aka privileged) and that maybe their parents should have schooled them in, I guess some form of media training to not sound like pretentious little brats. First off, Jaden Smith tweets are fucking hilarious. Whether they make sense or not, I don’t care. But I feel like TYT was overall making a mockery of two kids expressing themselves and sharing their beliefs… which is some shit white kids in America get the chance to do all the fucking time, without much corralling. But when 2 black wealthy adolescents use a public forum to share their views, it’s some “oh come now, lets tone it down a bit” type shit. FUCK OFF.

One of my coworkers is a, I guess diehard, Patriots fan. He is also a Saints fan since he was born in the N.O. Yeah, I don’t know how it works either. Anyway, #Deflategate is all on the news so he is constantly having to come to the defense of the team for all the allegations. But then, he uttered this: “my coach say he don’t know then he don’t know. He only gotta answer to God.” I wanted to laugh, insultingly, at him. If god exists, with the human like qualities that people like to attach to him/her and he/she keeps tabs on sports, I feel like soccer/futbol would be the sport of choice.

I’m watching a DIY show and the female host gets caught in a group hug, with what I assume is the young couple and the dad of one of them. So, you’ve got 2 big dudes basically smothering two smaller women. Somebody had a pair of genitals mashed against them, and they did not like that. I couldn’t be a woman. I’d want to smack EVERYBODY.

Watched Lucy 2 days in a row. Good science fiction movie based on bad science. I’m still trying to figure out if she saw outside the universe when she played back time. I feel like that black gooey looking ball was a universe. I don’t know. Decided to read up on the Big Bang, hoping maybe I’d find some tie in that the movie creators based that part of the film on. But my cynical side — which is more like a cynical portion that fluctuates in surface area size — realized that the Big Bang is still a theory and why the fuck am I so damn curious about something that NOBODY has the answers for. Then I just became slightly annoyed at myself for not studying and reading more in middle and high school.

There’s a line between women (particularly celebrities) being free to express their sexuality and their sexuality being exploited for profit. I don’t know where that line is. I don’t even know if its my duty, or right, to try and point out that line.

I’ve been riding around to Public Enemy for the past week and a half. I have no idea what was behind that decision. A sub-conscious protest to the mainstream, maybe. I don’t know. Anyway, it hit me that there is a good portion of people that don’t know Flavor Flav used to drop knowledge. Step back and try to envision that time line between the Spike Lee directed music videos and him licking that tall white woman on VH1. It’s a little crazy. Joe Rogan has a bit where he jokes about trying to explain Snookie, and her infamy, to alien visitors. I feel like that shift in Flav’s star status is just as unexplainable.

Random Visuals 012015

I’m in the process of turning this site into a legit graphic design portfolio. And when I say process, I mean I don’t want to learn css so I have to choose from the wp offered layouts. Also have been trying to teach myself to paint. Also drawing and vectoring and video editing. Also drinking dark shit and trying to find the perfect pair of denim. I’m very fake busy. So here are some pictures so I won’t feel like I’m wasting money paying for this url, and so you won’t totally abandon me.

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Death To White Supremacy

I don’t normally do prefaces on here because it’s my shit, and I can run it however I feel. But let me state: I don’t hate white people. They’re cool. They invent some cool shit, they make good beers and are always willing to start the wave at baseball games. 12% of my Tumblr is half-naked to fully naked pink toes. So with that being said, DEATH TO WHITE SUPREMACY. And it can take white privilege with it.

I’m not going to touch on societal news. Not because I think it’s being talked about by everybody too much — I think more people should bring more shit to the surface in regards to race and gender inequalities — but because I don’t feel like typing a book. I make too many typos for that and I refuse to be up all night re-reading my own words. I’m going to speak on a personal story.

I’m a contractor within a faction of the U.S. government that deals with the distribution of SSI benefits. With that job, comes a dedicated email address I use to communicate with the other employees. In my email signature,I have the following: my name, the name of contract company that severely under-pays me, my phone number and up until yesterday, a message that read stay black. It was bold and it was italicized. But with a font size not any larger than the rest of my signature. I’ve had it for months. Maybe a little bit before the murder of Michael Brown occurred. I partially did it out of amusement, so when I proceed with the story, just know that I sort of saw it coming.

Sunday morning, around 10, my division director comes into the office, which is strange because there were no major changes going in. She speaks to the woman I work with on weekends and then comes speaks to me. She says hello and then leans in and lowers her voice. Now, a few times this past year, she and I have had talks in regards to positions I’ve applied for that are in different buildings on the campus. So I thought maybe she’s got some application updates from some other big-wig she might be cool with. “Heeeyyy do you uuuhhhh have something ummmmm in your email uuuuhhhh about stay black?” (internal giggles commence). I tell her yes. She stammers through the next few sentences, basically telling me I have to remove it. This is a nice woman and I don’t really want to make her the first line of defense my grievances plows through, so my only question was “Did I offend someone?” More stammering, more ummms than fucking vowels. She basically danced around answering it. And like I stated, she’s a nice lady and probably felt a little uneasy approaching me about such a silly fucking request. I truly believe that only because before she walked away, she said “I understand (pause) but just replace it with something else.” Part of me IMMEDIATELY started thinking about how I could use this as a platform to expose some other foul shit I’ve learned about (like say the guy who had to cut his dreads to get a GS-12). Another part chuckled at the fact that little ol’ me made someone uncomfortable enough, that they complained and it somehow got back to my boss’s boss. There was also a part of me that didn’t really care, because I know how I feel in my heart and no one can take that from me. BUT ALL THOSE PARTS TOOK A BACKSEAT TO MY INNER JERK. It was selfish of me but all I could think was I’m going to get the opportunity to be vindictive, and mask it behind my own little war for freedom of speech. Man, I know Buddha and Gandhi itched for chances like this. I know they did. Endless rap verses zoomed through my mind, as I tried to find the perfect fucking 1 or 2 bars I could put in my signature. “No disrespect intended/but if you offended/can’t take it back/handle ya business” noo noo too antagonizing “if it offends you/its meant to/it’s that simple” noo noo too blatant Then I was going to use something with the word noir in it but I’m not cultured enough to think of anything that clever. So, I just settled for the happy mellow whale face:

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I love that face. Anyway, I get to work today and settle in. I happen to see an email from my team lead who has been out of work because of personal issues but recently started teleworking. I won’t type what she said verbatim, because well, I don’t remember. But trust me when I say it was some tap dancing we gotta keep massa pleased type shit. I laughed. She also included the chain of emails that caused all this. Those emails included the initial rat, the rat’s division director — who we’ll call an opossum — and the associate commissioner. Now, to give you something to compare that to, lets say I was a White House staff member and this same scenario happened. In terms of chain of command, the speaker of the house was informed of my “unprofessional” email signature. That is how unnecessarily high up this complaint went. Mind you, I just wanted someone to make corrections to a failed piece of software. And that didn’t happen for 2 fucking days. I’m following protocol yet the bigger issue ended up being the offended sensibilities of a middle-aged white women. Now what’s really amusing to me is the associate commissioner’s response DID NOT MAKE ANY MENTION OF MY SIGNATURE. I’m willing to bet a small portion of my turd’s worth paycheck that he saw that email and thought “oh jesus h christ REALLY!?” or something along those lines. I don’t know how down-to-earth white men who make 200K+ a year verbally respond to weak bullshit.

The other thing that didn’t sit well with me was who they used to inform me of this wanna be transgression. Three different black women. Each in a different position within the division I work in. What’s the big deal, right? Corporations are modern-day plantations. Don’t let the paycheck fool you. Capitalism teaches greed and constant accumulation via the hard work of someone else. You can not run a successful (profitable) corporation (plantation) without employees (slaves) and management (overseers and help). And this is where I inject my (probably crazy sounding) mammy theory. (Hell, one might already exist) White bosses, usually men, need someone who can oversee parts of the business that they themselves can not always have a hand in because they are waaaay too far up to reach down. Most of the time, they employ other white men but there are other times where they specifically select black women. Why? Well, for some unknown cosmic fucking reason, black women, in general, exude a motherly vibe unlike no other entity on the planet. I’ve hugged trees. Didn’t feel the love. Black women are caring, understanding, compassionate, etc. But they also are good disciplinarians. Once again, speaking in general terms so bear with me. Also, because of the fact that black women have been treated like pure shit in America since…whenever the fuck the 1st black female was thrown onto american soil, nowadays, they tend to really go for self if/when they enter (read: get let into) the corporate world. It’s safe to say most feel like no one has their back — and its true, sadly. If you haven’t experienced the cattiness that is two black women in an office setting who happen to have slightly different agendas, then you’re lying or blind… or a blind liar. So, in order to maintain their appointed position, and possibly further advance within the system, generally they will follow orders with far less resistance than say another white man who is watching the throne, or the very rare black male manager who has to do shit to tone down his black masculinity (like shave off his facial hair and NOT listen to rap on his lunch break). My proposed mammy theory is not intended to dump on the hard work that many black women have done in order to get wherever they are professionally. I was raised by a single mom, lived with her, my grandmother (RIP) and aunt (RIP) at one point in my life. And as I’ve gotten older, my admiration of their strength (especially my mom) has grown continuously. But realize that, within a fixed system, accomplishments for black women and men are throttled. You’ll only get as far as the boss will let you. So my semi-frustration with how this particular over-blown ordeal was handled isn’t directed at the black female managers but at the system that uses them as buffers for prejudice, white privilege, a cycle of white patriarchal greed and whatever other devilish shit that happens behind the curtains.

I didn’t intend to type this much. Let me go eat dinner. Fuck corporate. Stay black.