By Mr. R

Scattered thoughts. Round 2

typed over the course of some un-calculated number of days

In November, I decided I would cut meat out of my diet for a month. I honestly can’t remember why I decided to. Maybe just to challenge myself, I suppose. It’s nearing the middle of April, and aside from the 3 times I’ve had grits from Miss Shirley’s Diner — which have bacon in them, and they are fucking awesome — I still haven’t consumed any meat. I even cut down on my seafood intake. My reasons waver to be truthful. I’m under no circumstances consciously aligning myself with any particular group of food specific consumers. I think that shit is unnecessary. I know some people stop consuming animal products for the sake of wanting to contribute to the fair treatment of other non-human creatures. And I totally respect that. They are really snooty about it sometimes, and that holier than thou shit makes you want to slap them with a raw porter-house. I will admit that I do feel better, my energy and stamina levels are up and I’m keeping weight off. My vanity is probably the driving factor. Fuck it. I said it.

Is the defining of something also the beginning of the end of its freedom? Definitions or guidelines are essentially boundaries. Once boundaries are put in place, whatever you’re defining can now only exist within that determined space. Are the definitions of types of people or situations/scenarios just traps we unintentionally put in place? Can a person be too free in how they interact with the world? Can people co-exist in a space without known limits for an indefinite period of time without harming themselves?

There’s a radio show I listen to often, and the host continuously brings up the fact that racism was instituted as a way to mask classism. Let’s say that is fact. That would mean true equality would only come from people of color gaining wealth, and carrying it through generations. He also promotes supporting black owned businesses. I’m all for that. I recently stumbled upon a raw food and juice bar that is a few minutes from my crib, and owned by a black woman. TWO WINS. But then I thought, I’m a forced to be racially exclusive with my money in order to play my part in “black amerikkkans” gaining equality? Will a lot of black people have to be that way in order to see a real change? I realize it’s an instance of showing support, but in basing it solely off race, is it hypocritical? Or do black amerikkkans get a pass because we’re playing catch up with the rest of the country?

Is it still considered a burden if you carry it without acknowledging its constant presence? Can a person make their life easier by worrying less…or at least feel easier? Like, psyching yourself out?

This whole fry thing has gotten out of hand. But in a positive way. I feel like I’m not steering the ship anymore. The winds are running things. Direction, velocity, possible impact from smashing into some rocks on the shore or the dock… totally hands off. A few weeks ago, I was taught a lesson in trying too hard to control situations. I was humbled. I needed it apparently.

Esoteric Slanguage

image

(minus the slanguage part because I’m a terrible sketch page engineer)

How much of the blame for cultural appropriation falls on the creators of the culture? Is it up to the givers to recognize a person/people as mostly takers? If they are recognized, should the creators allow their culture to be exposed to the takers? Is that a form of discrimination fueled by self-preservation? I feel all forms of creativity come from the same pool, and an individual or group’s circumstances determine how that creativity manifests itself in this physical world. Why are certain groups of people better conduits for this flow of creativity than others? If you take these creations and dilute them so other less creative, unimaginative people can consume them, are you going against some universal law? Is your punishment for breaking down and capsuling your creations — so others can swallow the metaphorical pill with more ease — the possible appropriation and abuse that follows? Do you have the right to complain about thieves and the misuse of intellectual property when you don’t cherish and respect what you feel has been stolen from you? I was listening to Beats, Rhymes and Life (in the whip, on repeat) about 2 weeks ago. Odd that it was prior to the passing of Phife. RIP. But, Get A Hold is one of my favorite tracks off the album. Q-Tip is one of the unsung kings of slanguage. In my opinion, he spits some rather straight to the point, “I’m gonna say this so you don’t miss it” lyrics on that particular track. BUT, I also feel that if you aren’t from or can’t relate to the environment that spawned the emotions and ideas that those lyrics came from, a lot of the shit he is saying would probably go over your head. A person may not even be able to understand what he is saying, textually. And if they do, they might not have any idea what the fuck it really means. “We slim with disabilities and thick with possibilities”. There’s a 50 year old man who sells John Deer mowers who might not be able to decipher that lyric. But now it can be googled. We have break-dancing and twerk classes. We have graffiti tutorials and college courses on 2Pac. Once you monetize your ideas, abilities and output, how strong is your claim of appropriation? In this “sorta” advanced technological age, are we witnessing the true birth of global collective consciousness (culturally speaking) — where everybody can experience almost any and every thing, together? Where you can pick and choose what parts of varying cultures speak to your spirit and participate in that? When the creators(who consequently happen to be at the bottom of society) accuse the takers(who happen to be at the top) of appropriation, is the fault single sourced? Does recognition for birthing something make you a better, more advanced human? Once you begin to realize that certain things only flow through you out into the world, is that some sort of destiny fulfillment? And if so, what value do “props” and “big-ups” now have? Does the soil resent the mountain top for being on Getty images so much? We’ll never know. It’s too busy continuously birthing things to complain.

Scattered thoughts. Round 1

typed over the course of some un-calculated number of days

A whole lot of porn gifs on my Tumblr stream. And I’m realizing that I just have to search harder on there for scenes with black women. Need some fucking variety.

Still working at a place I don’t want to be at for people I don’t deeply care about. Still trying to get a permanent slot — which is really just shorthand for get paid more, get better benefits and the weekends off (maybe). But I’ve become a firm believer in putting energy into getting the things you want. I don’t mean physical energy, in this case. I mean the positive energy of more or less saying to yourself “I want this. I will get this. It has to happen because I feel like I need it to.” Like, a kind of desperate, last-ditch mental effort sort of energy. And I don’t really have that. At least not to give to something I don’t want to do. My paychecks just really stink at the moment.

Every now and then, I’ll google Aiyana Jones. I wish I knew why her name stays in my head. One of the many victims of negligent police. I really hope the cop who pulled the trigger suffers psychologically every day, until he kills himself.

And what’s odd is for the past 2 weeks or so, I’ve tuned out the daily news. I heard someone suggest that the day-to-day news is actually a distraction from the things that matter. I don’t know exactly what those “things” were — different things to different people, for sure. I agree with the statement more than I disagree. The daily news (to me) feels way too repetitive to be as informative as it is intended to be.

Trying your best to remove thoughts of the future is the greatest ally when it comes to getting to know people. In any capacity. Expectations could potentially ruin something that’s perfect for the moment. Today’s blessings tend to get overlooked for tomorrow’s dreams. Under-appreciated as well. I don’t know, I might just be caught up in these slow exhales. Oh Mary Mary Mary

The downside to self-awareness is the potential for becoming obsessed with your own deficiencies. What one feels, about themselves or others, is just one perspective. But it’s your own — it’s the default perspective, I’d say. There isn’t enough positive reinforcement in the world to change that if you struggle to “get out of your own head”.

I don’t get how a subject that is tied to human “decency” and just…baseline kindness towards others can somehow be talked about with a political air to it. I feel like political subjects are things spoken about within the context of man-made laws. And even though the concept of race (read:color) was created to further govern people, I think what it’s turned into is cultural. The severe fracture in “race-relations” (read:huemans) is not a political issue. The statements made out against racial injustices are not political statements. They’re cultural. If anyone comes out and says the culture of this nation is one that has made their people continue to be seen as less than, that’s not a statement that should lead to a political debate. It should lead to talks about customs that get passed down, ideas/beliefs that are shared in public and behind closed doors. It should lead to internal examinations of oneself. You can’t legislate hate and contempt out someone’s heart. You can’t veto the belief that a certain kind of life is easily expendable. And those kinds of statements shouldn’t send people into an opposing rage — unless they’re the people benefitting from these cultural deficiencies. Nobody wants their unearned good fortune fucked with.

Some kind of blessing…

The universe does not give you exactly what you want. It gives you the opportunity to grab what you want. And use it how you see fit. Around 7 weeks ago, I got a message from my boy that an old classmate needed someone to run point on illustrating a children’s book he had been loosely shopping around. I have no real clue where this path I’m on will take me. I’m teaching myself not to question WHY things like that happen. I sometimes doubt my abilities. I think that is some normal shit. The strangest thing that has happened in the past month and a half, in regards to this specific project, have been the few seconds where I’m absolutely sure I know what I am doing. I suppose that’s part of getting totally lost in the process.

Tuned Out And In

I just finished listening to a podcast that started with one of the best anti-war diatribes that I’ve heard in a minute. It wasn’t a replay of a 2 year old speech given to congress or a lost grainy 1970’s video of some guy yelling into a bullhorn while on the lawn of a state government building. It was recorded a month ago. It was fresh. It resonated. It was comforting. I know I’m not delusional for thinking global disarmament is possible. I also know for every person on this planet, there is one’s own individual reality. And depending on that person’s influence, their reality takes precedence. Why do we seem to grant influential power(s) to the person/people with the shittiest versions of reality?

W.A.T.T.B.A.

The following is a quote from today’s episode of Meet The Press

…France’s 9-11

How in the hell does Amerikkkan media manage to interject this nation into another country’s misfortune? Maybe I should I ask why. I didn’t really want to type anything in regards to what happened this past Friday. I don’t have anything insightful or new to add. But, here I am…typing about this shit. I personally feel like it was an extreme act of violence more-so than terrorism. But, for the sake of this entry, I won’t rock that boat. Merriam-Webster defines terror as violence that is committed by a person, group, or government in order to frighten people and achieve a political goal or a very strong feeling of fear. It defines terrorism as the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion. I’m going to run with that, as getting into the etymology of terror will take me very far off course. Friday’s incident was an act of acute terror. I came across the theory of acute acts of violence in this book titled Mind Fist. It was speaking on acute bullying. It also spoke on chronic bullying. Acute and chronic — the former being brief, and the latter being long standing. If Friday’s incident was acute terrorism, then are there acts of chronic terrorism?

I live in Baltimore. The 301st homicide was recorded last night. What that last sentence doesn’t include is the non-fatal shootings/stabbings/assaults. It also doesn’t include that crazy shit that doesn’t get reported to the police and/or (occasionally) by local news stations. I’m not exaggerating when I say that living in a city like this can invoke terror — terror of the chronic kind. People can become numb to chronic pains though. People live with chronic injuries everyday, right? So chronic acts of terror tend to be treated as an extreme nuisance, at best. It’s especially true when the chronic terror is happening to the ignored, underappreciated, (sometimes) unwanted members of society — both locally and globally. There was, and will be, no nationally televised week long “how do we recover from this” mourning period for McKenzie Elliot, the 3 year old girl killed in North Baltimore last year. Nor will there be one for Tyshawn Lee, the 9 year old boy killed due to modern day tribalism in Chicago. Yet, a random act of (extreme) violence happens in the post-happy hour hustle and bustle of a prosperous metropolis, and the entire world gasps at the horror for 168 straight hours. Then the usual follow-up of what-ifs, who done its, how can we prevents and whys. If we were to judge by the amount of coverage these incidents receive, compassion would seem to be a conditional thing in today’s world. I don’t say that to “downgrade” what happened in France. My intent is the opposite. But is it psychologically feasible to process every violent death the same? Why does the quantity, and quality, of the life taken still seem to factor into where the world’s compassion lays, and for how long? Remember the almost 150 people murdered at Garissa University College back in April? Yeah, I didn’t either. Is the fact that it happened in the African nation of Kenya — a place people consider 3rd world — the reason it was so quickly forgotten? I feel safe in saying I think most Amerikkkans think all of Africa is either fucking war-torn or a jungle, and any violence that happens is just their way of life. Chronic terror. Trivializing death here because it happens more than it does there doesn’t make the death here more bearable and less tragic.

Don’t put chronic pains in the back of your mind. Every “ouch” deserves the same amount of attention. Take care of your body. Take care of every body.

Run-on Sentence of Existence

This has been in my drafts since June.

My days are running together Everyone has experienced that so it’s really nothing shocking It’s in some unexplainable way making me devalue specific events but value the totality of life I’ll have to dive deeper into what that means later If I can remember to do so There’ll probably be no human witnesses It’ll most likely just be me and the roor Contemplating things on the floor pillow Like watching both my parents deteriorate slowly without being able to help because things like that are meant to happen Coming to terms with things like that is probably some sort of preventative maintenance for the soul And I guess the ego since possession of things is tied to that

Tiny Fits of Rage

I’m leaving the market on Saturday, and I overhear woman say to the on-duty cop “Happy Saturday”. It was about a 40 yard walk from the door of the building to my car. And I was mumbling to myself during the entirety of that short walk “what the fuck is happy Saturday?”. Over and over. Once I closed my door, I lost it. “How the fuck do you wish someone a happy Saturday?” “On whose authority…” “ITS NOT A FUCKING HOLIDAY” “Bitch I had to work today, and I have to work tomorrow. Find some fucking happiness in that.” “FUCK IS YOU TALKIN BOUT LADY?!” It went on for about 3 minutes. It was hysteria, by definition. I mean, I wasn’t convulsing or anything. It was just me, talking aggressively to the steering wheel, mixed with some negro-giggles. I don’t have a wife or kids, so my free-time is whenever I feel like unplugging. And since I don’t really have to designate my joy/relief to a certain day of the week, I can’t fully relate to the “the weekends finally here” way of life that lots of people live. OR I’m just a grump. Don’t wish me a happy Saturday/Friday either way.

Ben Carson wants you to have more sex

Ok, he didn’t exactly say that but it’s implied. Sort of. Fast-forward to the 4 minute mark (or watch the whole thing if you please. I’d actually suggest that.) Dr. Carson believes we’re lagging behind as a country, in comparison to China and India — both of which have a shit ton of people. But a good portion of those tons of people live in the Amerikkkan equivalent of below the poverty line. So, I’m not sure why he thinks more people will lead to more success. I don’t know the ins and outs of maintaining a corporation disguised as a nation. Apparently, according to Ben, it’s more bodies *cough* chattel *cough*