By Mr. R

Fitting

Final piece for 2018. Final piece for my current residence also. Creatively, this year has not been one I take pride in. Self-deprecation would have me believe it was laziness and procrastination that prevented my ideal creative output from happening. May be some truth to that. But so many shifts outside art took place that if I step back and *Raekwon voice* analyze da whole shit, one person can only do so much, and beating myself up would be unfair.

This piece is definitely a representation of my mental and emotional state for majority of the year. Let’s title it Porosity for now. New feelings, ideas, concepts and truths found their way in. Growth is so uncomfortable and awkward and disorientating at times. When I hear the phrase “I lost (parts of)myself in the process”, it no longer sounds like some dramatic excuse for not being focused. I one hundred percent get that shit now.

A happening

Haven’t made an entry in a minute. I’ve been hand journaling. It’s more satisfying — incorporating typography into the process of spilling my thoughts with some doodles here and there. It probably looks scatter-brained to everyone but me. Various ink colors signifying my emotional reaction to the initial thought. It works, helps put me back into whatever mental and emotional state I was in at the time. Sometimes, issues need re-addressing.

Divide & Conquer

I illustrated a kids book. It released in April. Two weeks ago, the author of the book and myself set up for a 3 day book festival here in Baltimore. The overall experience was cool, and encouraging. I shared conversations with a wide variety of authors, educators and creative minds. I was inspired, motivated and further receptive to the fact/truth that I’m on the path that I always wanted to be on — professional artist. Now for the sour moment. We shared a tent with 3 other authors — all experienced in navigating the book festival world. Two guys and a lady. On the 2nd day (I believe), it’s mid-afternoon and one of the guys just asks out the blue “so I looked your guys stuff up on amazon and I noticed it doesn’t have the illustrator’s name on there. Why is that?” I don’t remember the response we gave him. In that moment, half my energy was dedicated to suppressing a “man go the fuck head somewhere with that instigatin’ ass shit!”. I was in autopilot mode. His response was “ahh.. I just wanted to give you guys a hard time about something.”

I wanted to toss him in the harbor.

Because I’m too bent to work and too up to lay down

I play this and I can’t decide if he or Freddie Gibbs rocked the sample better.

I won’t lose my grip, ‘fore I turn Cobain

I like this because Larry King’s ego flexes so hard and Neil Tyson just poots all over it. But un-offensively.

I don’t fear death… I love the unknown.

An almost 8-year-old 13th Witness video of him recording some dude skateboarding through a city in Japan.

IDK, just get random urges to watch it.

Probably some un-satisfied 7th grade yearning to kick flip.

bday1

a flick of me in a DC hookah lounge inhaling some alien tainted shit

(wishing it was hash)

I’m a FBZ stan. (you all should see them live)

Do you like being yo mother?

I need to learn how to make gifs quickly.

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Submitting the final copy of this book I’ve been tasked to illustrate.

If nothing else, it really exposed my procrastinating side.

We all could get so much done if we created more than we consumed…

or at least at the same rate.

(as I continue to think of irrelevant things to say and links to share)

*shrugs*

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Creations.

I’ve been seriously neglecting this outlet. Diving deeper into my art focuses my attention away from the talks with myself that would lead to these journal entries. My thoughts don’t wander as much. And when they do, my body isn’t idle. So sitting down to type things out obviously doesn’t happen as often. I feel like I have to make up for lost time. Well, wasted time to be truthful. Guilt can be fuel for something positive, right? That obviously affects the purity of the act. I wonder if people can feel that tainted-ness in the results of the work. And does it turn them off, I wonder. Anyway, for anyone who reads this and wants to see what I’m up to, I post a lot on Instagram and Twitter. I’ll also be adding more work to my portfolio section on here, and get back to being a little more consistent with these entries. Or at least try.

Get A Grip

I think about death a lot.

Probably more than I’d care to admit.

But, I barely care about incoming perceptions.

Most of my cares are superficial.

It’s just the end of things on this physical plane. Right?

Lets say death is that.

What is it about the idea of death that bothers people so much?

Is it guaranteed uncertainty combined with the thoughts of impending pain?

What if you’ve learned to accept uncertainty?

What if pain really is just “weakness leaving the body?”

If one accepts those two ideas as (a) truth, where does that place death on one’s list of concerns?

I think about life a lot